American Literature

  On a Fair May, 2008 - My Aunt Peep is what I can call a cool aunt. She relates to our generations trappings but gives you wise and colorful advices. She taught me how to sing nursery rhymes, listen to Rock n Roll music and jazz, stories and poems.

  Today while we sit and wait at the airports lobby we talk about something fragile that she treads to the conversation carefully. I clutch the brass urn carefully like it was alive as she asked, How do you feel

  Im sad. Right after it happened I didnt have the appetite to eat and I felt like drowning in a pool of nauseating loneliness. But I need to move on and be strong for Bear, I told her. She nods in understanding and makes our chit chat lighter.

  Catch-up conversations and a box of pizza killed us time until my flights boarding screen starts flashing. Aunt Peep hugs me tightly and said You are so strong my baby. I dont know how you do it with everything that happened to you. But you are strong. I wouldnt know what to do if it was me.  You are strong yourself Auntie. You just have to be optimistic I said in a comforting voice and a smile. See, you never run out of smiles. You always find something to be happy about. She chuckled and with that I wave goodbye and prepare myself to face Bear.
 
Night makes the city beautiful with its thousand tiny lights twinkling from the street lamps and houses on the ground. The cold breeze is welcoming after the hot humid day with Aunt Peep. I head to the carousel where the baggages are slowly circulated in a winding trail. I sight my big red luggage and heave it to my trolley, carefully placing the bag and the brass urn into place before I stroll out into clusters of waiting crowd. I skim the faces of parents, siblings, lovers and friends, finding the face I am quite anxious see. My eyes stops at the features of a man who didnt fit the image my mind kept the last I saw him.

  Bear is now thin, with sunken cheeks, frail arms and pale skin. Dark circles under his eyes let me know hes had sleepless nights.  Are you okay I ask. Im fine. How are you he replied with an embrace.  I think I can be okay now were together I said as I breathe in his scent that comforts me. I show him the brass urn, locking my eyes to his so he can see how sorry I am. He touches the cold, heavy cube reverently and smiled at me. I know that he is hurting but he knows better than to lose his show of strength. It wont be good for me or for him. Mom is waiting for us in the van and your mom is here too. As we walk to where my mom is waiting, I remember that conversation the three of us had together in her room. I was sitting on the bed and Bear was standing at my side watching my mom paced back and forth in panic and anger.  You didnt even tell me and that makes me look stupid because it was Jeff who told me that youre pregnant Your dad will be very angry, he wont accept this. You have to let it go. The last statement she made surprised me and Bear. I wont do what youre asking of me. The babys 4 months already I said in a scared voice. I dont care, youre letting it go she said and left the room.

  I cringe at the memory as mom leaped up to greet me as soon as she saw us. Hi baby, I miss you she said. I smile back and talk normally with her, brushing for awhile the indifference of what she wanted me to do five months ago. After all she is still my mother and I always knew how feeble is. I also never mentioned to her how hypocrite she sounds when asking me about Cred.

  Dinner with my in-laws and my mother went by pretty fast. They hug and gave me and Bear sympathetic pats until it is time to say goodnight.

  Our bedroom is freshly cleaned. Bear made sure to have it ready and comfortable so I can rest knowing that its been just five days since I gave birth. He sits on top of the sheets and browsed through Creds picture album that my dad lovingly putted together.

  He looks exactly like me he said with pride. Yes, but he got his complexion from me you know I said smugly. Well okay if you insist he retorted after sticking his tongue out at me. It made me laugh. Its the first time I did again for days but it didnt last.

  Im sorry Bear. If only I took care of myself better when I knew I was pregnant he wouldnt have gotten sick. If only I didnt take those headache pills, maybe he would be perfectly healthy. Im really sorry I didnt realize how valuable he is until I gave birth to him. He only lived for an hour because his lungs were too small, he cant breathe properly. I said crying again and being filled with guilt.

  You have to stop blaming yourself. You were only scared because youre not prepared. Im at fault too because I didnt hold back. But what matters is you decided to keep him and give him a chance even though we know there was something wrong with him. You didnt believe your mom and you had the courage to face your dad Bear said. I always knew that he is wise for our age.

  But I feel like Im a bad person, like Im not worthy to live anymore. I said with remorse.
  You have to live for yourself, for me, your dad and the people who care about you. Remember what your dad said, maybe Cred wanted to give you a chance to finish school before and find a good career path before settling in with a family he comforted.

 I take a deep breath in and try to believe what he said. We will always be here to keep his memory. Thats what we can do for our loved ones who pass away, keep their memory. 

  Bear pats my head as I lie on his chest, lulling me to sleep. As I try to visit dreamland, I stare at the gold brass urn where Creds ashes are kept. I remember a poem Aunt Peep taught me, Nothing Gold Can Stay.

Natures first green is gold,Her hardest hue to hold.Her early leafs a flowerBut only so an hour.Then leaf subsides to leaf.So Eden sank to grief,So dawn goes down to day.Nothing gold can stay.